2014
Here we are at Christmastime, that special time of year
Bells are ringing, carollers are singing, and Santa’s sleigh is near!
Speaking of Mr. Claus, I’ve got a bone to pick…
Cuz’ last year around this time, ol’ santa showed me his….beard.
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!
2015
My husband is off delivering toys, so it’s time to have some fun.
Let down my hair, devil may care, 3 shots and we’ve just begun.
When he leaves the elves and I go a little crazy
we drink, we dance, we drop our pants, then things get a bit hazy!
And to you folks who say I’ve changed, where is the Mrs. Claus cheer?
Well if you’re referring to that fat old hag, he dumped that bitch last year.
2016
There are many things I love about the holidays;
I love caroling, dancing and filling baking trays!
Out of my oven comes batch upon batch
of delicious cookie goodness my husband’s ready to snatch.
He’s grown so fond of my cookies it seems
that he’s forgotten the wife once “of his dreams.”I’ll take a stand this year and switch up the mood
Make a new recipe? Add more spice? Bake in the nude!
He surely can’t resist his sultry chef beau
when she serves him his treats with a little more to show!
2017
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 years or so, and it’s been really great!
He likes to keep the magic alive, and every Friday takes me on a romantic date.
We’ve had dinner on top the empire state and painted pictures in the park
we’ve kissed and kissed beneath the full moon, our hands fumbling in the dark.
But lately my man has mentioned things may be a little too stale.
”Let’s shake it up, make it spicy, do something on a larger scale!”
He came up with the idea last week, and I am happy to go along
I even suggested a saucy idea, role play a Christmas song!
Nothing religious would work, for reasons obvious to some,
what’s that one about the little boy banging on his drum?
No wait I know, the one about the tree!
They sing about its beauty, that’s perfect from him and me.
I decked myself out, in lights of all shapes and size
In walked my boyfriend and he couldn’t believe his eyes!
he simply stared at me, it was as if he were dead…
What is it my darling, was it something I said?
2018
It’s the holidays again, can you believe how time flies?
Feels like yesterday I was poolside picking up guys!
But this time of year it’s important to be kind, forget about your self and put others top of mind!
That’s why this year I am doing my part
and to soldiers abroad I am giving my heart!
There’s Joe from Kansas and Craig from Tennessee,
Kyle from Florida (I think Tallahassee).
Vince is from Montana, the big sky state,
Tom’s from Kentucky, his letters are quite ornate!
I’ve also got Jake, Andrew, Mark and Mike
Lou, Harvey, Ron and Ike!
I prefer handwritten notes, they add a personal stamp
but my God does my hand get a cramp!
So do your part this year, send a letter overseas
And when you get a response, share the dirty deats with me please!
2019
Well here we are, it’s Christmastime and I have come to call!
Bringing tidbits of my travels to appease and appall!
I bet you are wondering, why so angelically I am dressed
well it’s a fun story to share, one that almost ended in arrest!
The local church in town, a place I dare not go
was putting on a play this year, some sort of Christmas show.
I normally couldn’t care less about these sorts of things
but the pastor of this church you see, he pulls on my heart strings!
He’s a tall drink of water, with sparkling eyes and charm
luscious chestnut hair and dimples that disarm!
But the perfect man is taken you see, to a woman I despise
She’s just a bland person, with bad skin and snake eyes!
I know if I just get up there, on that stage with no regrets
the pastor will see my talent, my charm and my…assets!
His wife is our director, and she’s awful with her vision.
She takes not one suggestion, and says hers is the final decision!
I’ll play along for now, til’ I’m shining under those lights
Then it’ll be too late, for stinky’s stupid fights!
I also made a few changes to the costume idea she gave
Those robes were too stifling, think of the fabric I’ve saved!
2020
2020 has been a hell of a ride, and that’s for damn sure
Fires, elections, pandemics…enough to shake you to the core!
We’ve all been asked to stay at home, to keep Corona at bay
keep your distance and wash your hands is what the experts say.
They also suggest we wear a mask, that’s important too,
a new accessory I love to wear, and I’ve collected quite a few!
One to match my snakeskin boots, one to match my eyes,
one that goes with my purple purse and a couple to tease the guys.
I have 2 masks in faux fur, for those cold winter walks
one mask with the American flag, that I wore to the ballot box!
But I have several other masks that just didn’t match my style
and with nowhere to wear them they sat in a box for awhile.
Then the idea hit me, can you take a guess?
I decided to take those unused masks and turn them into a dress!
I sewed and stitched my heart out, I worked all day and night
until I created this gown you see, a sheer designer’s delight!
It probably isn’t as fancy as the gowns you’ve seen in stores,
but those “fancy dresses” are all worn by common whores!
Maybe I”ll make more of them and sell em’ for a quarter,
there’s just one problem with my dress you see, I wish that it was shorter!
2021
Christmas again, can you believe? What a year it’s been.
So much happening in the world that I’m tempted to reach for the gin!
With me there’s not a lot to say, I’ve picked up a guy (or two)
one of them pays for my nails, the other my new hairdo.
They know about each other of course, but I don’t really mind
A little healthy competition makes a man refined!
I bet you’re wondering why I’m not, with one cozy by the fire
why I’m out in a blizzard, in some questionable attire.
It’s the silliest little story, it all happened so quick
how I came to be lost out here, the abominable sketchy chick.
You see guy number 1 lives down the road, from my palatial estate
and I decided to surprise him with a cozy blizzard date.
So after a few martini’s I set out on foot, headed towards his house
Opting for my skimpy dress and ostrich fur, instead of a proper skirt and blouse.
The martini’s kicked in after I was well on my way and I didn’t know left from right
I got all turned around in a stormy sea of white!
Gone is my hairdo guy number 2 used his rent money to pay
Scratched is the manicure guy number 1 bought me yesterday.
I should head back now; I’m desperate to be cozy and on the couch with cake
plus I just remembered, his wife is probably awake!
2022
My husband’s Christmas party is well underway
but I had to take a moment to not be so merry and gay.
I’ve been married to Charles for 3 long years, and 3 long years it’s been
Charles is such a dreadful bore- enjoyment seems a sin!
I married him for the money of course, just take a look around
This house is brimming with Christmas spirit, it almost feels we’ve drowned.
Diamonds for my birthday, furs for New Years Eve
designer clothing is a weekly purchase, why would I ever leave?
These parties however send me close to the edge, the fake smiles and good cheer
so I’ve decided to spice things up a bit- I’ve got a surprise this year.
I’ve hired a sexy Santa Claus, to come by and give us a show
we’ll pretend we’re the next stop on his list, and he’s just coming in from the snow.
It’ll start out sweet and innocent- he’s Santa for God’s sake
then ever so slowly his clothes will come off- and finally the night will awake!
I can see Mrs. Penderson clutching her pearls, Mrs. Gibson clutching her cane
I can see my husband’s cheeks turn red, shooting me looks as if I’m insane.
But what can I do- I’m bored and rich- and looking for a good time
and a stripper Santa Claus sounds fun- now is that a crime?
Perhaps Charles will rethink these events- when the time comes next year
But for now I’ve got to run, I think our guest is here!
2023
So I heard these these sketchy lady cards are on their 10th year- 10 years of spreading holiday joy, and some joyous sketchy cheer.
They say for the 10th anniversary, tin is the proper gift
so I decided on this tin body suit, that gives my boobs a lift!
In certain circles however, they claim aluminum is the proper metal,
so I chose my aluminum pumps, that match my darling tea kettle.
Regardless of the proper gift, I’m just Hangin’ in the tree
I love to smell the pine needles, while I sip a glass of chablis.
The other ornaments are jealous of me, my outfit shines so bright
you might mistake me for King Arthur’s court, his sexiest little knight!
Reflecting on the past 10 years, 10 ladies I admire
There was Santa’s little helper, an angel and a baker I would hire!
Santa’s second wife was another, plus a creative Covid chick. One gal got lost in the snow, while another couldn’t get her Christmas lights to stick!
I loved the gal who wrote letters, to boyfriends overseas, and I admired last years sketchy girl- a rotten flirty tease!
10 years has gone by in a flash and us ladies have certainly improved
Here’s to more years of sketchy gals, maybe with more clothing removed!